The Evil Dead Never Sleep
by 42 Noodles
Summary: A story about teenagers dealing with relationship problems while fighting off the hordes of the undead. (Contains Puppyshipping, among other things.)
1. Chapter 1

Yugi first noticed the vampires on a tuesday, on account of that was the day when a vampire threw a corpse at his head.

He was walking home from school, which was weird because usually he was so busy playing card games he didn't bother going to school, because saving the world was more important than algebra and stuff, but lately there were no crazy people trying to take over the world, which sucked because it meant he hadn't got a good excuse to skip school. So anyway, he was walking home from school. It was getting dark and he was walking really fast, because when it got dark was when all the gangsters came out to mug people, and so when he walked by a chick who was attacking a guy in a fancy suit he assumed she was a normal gangster doing a normal mugging. Then someone threw a corpse at him.

WHooooooosh went the fancy suit guy's dead bloodless body as it careened through the air floppily like a limp pasta noodle flying from a bowl of spaghetti that had been tossed into the air by an angry person who was perhaps angry because her boyfriend had been cheating on her and being told of this adulterous activicty made her angry enough to ruin her lunch and waste a perfectly good bowl of noodles. Except it was not a noodle. it was dead body that had been drained of blood and therefore become floppy and bloodless. It smashed into Yugi's back with the force of a baseball thrown by a guy who did not know the correct method of throwing a baseball.

"JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK!" yugi screamed turning around because he was seriously freaked out.

"HISSSSSSS" said the gangster, who was not actually a gangster. Yugi now realized this, because gangsters generally didn't hiss when they could instead pull out they guns and go "hey mothafucka gimme that there wallet or imma pop a cap in yo ass!"

"HISSSSSSS" the gangster who was actuslly a vampire said again, and before Yugi could chalenge her to a card game she melted into the shadows mysteriously and dramaticly like an evil guy, leaving Yugi to wonder if she'd really been there at all or if she was a figmint of his imagining which his fragile adolesent mind had created to explain the dead person lying on the pavement.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Tea was also walking home from school, but she was not worried about the gangsters because she always kept mace in her purse just in case, so she wasn't in any rush or anything.

"I sure am glad my parents raised me to be cautious and always keep weponry on my person so I wont be mugged by gangsters!" Tea said as she walked past a dude who was getting beat up by what she assumed was a gang of gangsters. A gangster started to approach her so she pulled her mace out of her purse and swung it around to whack the gangster on the head. BUT SOMETHIN WAS WRONG! the gangster did not fall to the ground screming in pain; instead, he hissed at her. His eyes glowed red in the dark like red traffic lights or glow-in-the-dark ketchup. "HISSSSSS" he said, bearing his pointy teeth like the dog in that movie that was based on a book by the same guy who also wrote the book about the chick who was psychic and killed everyone in the school after they poured blood on her prom dress.

"Omg!" Tea gasped in shock, dropping her mace because she was shocked and when people are shocked they drop the things they are holding because they are shocked. the other gangsters dropped the dude they were beating up and crowded around Tea, hissing and spitting like evil red-eyed kittens that had been forced to eat something gross and were hissing and spitting because they were angry about the grossness.

"Oh no! These dudes aren't gangsters, THEY'RE THE HORDES OF THE LIVING DEAD!" said Tea. she looked around franticaly for her mace which she had dropped because she was shocked, but it was dark and she couldn't see it anywhere because she didn't have those shiny reflective eyes cats have that causes them to see in the dark. the vampires closed in on Tea, and they laffed evily bcuz they were evil. Suddenly, a mysterious person in a black cloke jumped out from a bush and tiwrled badassily like a balerena, kicking the vampires in the faces with pointy neon green stitleto boots until all the vampires had blood coming out of their faces from the holes made by the pointyness.

"EEEEEEEEEEEE!" the vampires screamed as they collapsed to the ground, blood shooting out of their faces and into the starlit night sky like tiny red waterfalls erupting from a geyser-thingy into the darkness of the night sky which held countless wonders beyond human imaginining like stars and nebulas and stuff. The mysteroius person pulled out a wooden steak and started steaking the vampires to death.

"WHO IS THIS MYSTERIOS STANGER?" Tea wonderd as she gazed in awe at the wonton violence and carnage the mysterious person had wrought. but then the mysetrius person turned around and took of the hood of the cloak and it was. . . . . ISIHZU IHSTAR!

"TEA GADNER!" ishisu said in a deep and badass voice like Chrstopher Lee except more feminine and obviously ishziu does not have a beard and she is not Dracula although if she was that would be kind of funny and ironic. "INTO EVERY GENERATION A SLAYER IS BORN! A GIRL WITH THE STRENGTH AND SKILL TO FIGHT THE VAMPIRES, DEMONS, AND FORCES OF DARKNESS! TEA, THAT GIRL IS **YOU**! AND I AM YOUR WATCHER!"

tEA was shocked! "omfg," sge said, in the sort of voice people use when they are seriously freaked out and kind of existentially crisising a little bit. then she frowned like she had realized something because she had realized something. "wait, I thought the slayer was an American named buffy?"

"yeah but then in season 7 wilow casted a spell to turn all potental slayers in2 real slayers and this story takes place right after season 7" said Isihzu

"oh ok then" said tea. "so now what"

"now u must train to fight da vampeirs" said Sihiszu. then she pulled a rocket launcher out of her pants pocket and launched a rocket at Tea. The roket rocketed thru the air and swviled in the air dangerosly leaving a stream of shiny aquamarine smoke that looked like calligraphy, spelling the words "YIPPIE KI YAY MOTHERFUCKER" and then it hit tea in the boob and punched her through a brick wall, and then through ANOTHER brick wall which was in front of a cliff, so then when Tea went through the second brick wall she fell off the cliff and fell downwards a hundred feet. "OMG OMG OMG OMG!" tea screamed as she fell until her fall was broken by a pile of blowup dolls which had conveniently been placed at the bottom of the cliff.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" said Tea

Ishisu jumped off the cliff gracefully like a bird and landed on her feet perched on a blowup doll's head with perfect balance. It was impressive.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" tea said again, pulling a used condom out of her hair.

"That was lesson one of your SLayer training" said Ishuzi. "Always be on your guard, becuz u never know wen some vampire might get a rocket launcher and use it on you!"

"I don't think Im going to like being a slaywer" said Tea

"it is the burden u must bear" Izihsu said gravely.

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Joey and Tristan were also walking home from school. they did not have mace because their parents didn't care about their safety enough to provide them with protection from the roving packs of gangsters that roamed the dark streets at night, but they weren't woried about gangsters because they used to be gangsters themselves and also Tristan knew kung-fu so they were pretty sure they'd be ok. SUDDENLY A CEREAL KILLER WITH CHAINSAW AND HOCKY MASK JUMPED OUT FROM A DARK ALLY AND AMBUSHED THEM!

"BEGONE EVILDOER!" tRIstan said bravely and assumed a kung-fu pose and started making kung-fu noises like Bruce Lee. but Joey noticed something weird about the cereal killer; in addition to the aura of evil that lingered in the atmosphere around him, he had ALSO had an aura of money, and Joey knew from watching TV that cereal killers weren't usually rich because rich ppl don't have time to do cereal killings because they too busy swimming in their money vaults and laffing evily while they manipulate the stock market and exploit underpaid workers in third world contrys. Also, this guy was whereing a school univorm.

"wait, Tristan, it's just Kaiba." said Joey.

"oh, it's you two losers" said Kaiba, taking off his hocky mask.

"Why are you acting like a cereal killer" asked Joey. Tristan was stll making kung-fu noises.

"I thought you was VAMPIRES!" said Kaiba. Joey and Tristan pointed and laffed mockingly, because they were mocking him.

"Stupid rich boy, vampires ain't real!" said Tirstan.

"They're made up to scare little kids, like Nicolas Cage and the Lock Ness Monster!" said joey.

Kaiba stamped his foot on the ground like a teenage girl whose cellphone had stopped working. "VAMPIRES ARE LIKE TOTALLY REAL! I KNOW BECAUSE FOR THE LAST MONTH EVERY TIME I GET OUT OF SCHOOL THEY ATACK ME ON THE WAY TO MY RICH PERSON LIMOSINE, AND ITS ANNOYING! I'M CARYING CHAINSAW TO PROTECT MYSELF!"

"LOL wutever ur delusional, those "vampires" are probably just normal gangsters" joey laffed in a mockery voice. "yeah, u need to stop doing drugs!" said Trastin. Then he and Joey walked away laffing. BUT THEN SOME VAMPIRES JUMPED OUT OF ANOTHER DARK ALLY AND JUMPED ON THEM AND STARTED BEATING THEM UP!

"oh no!" said Tristan and Joey. There was too much vampires to kung-fu them away! "HAHAHAHA!" the vampires laffed evily bcuz they were evil. Then sudenly they hears the BZZZZZZZZZZZZ of a chainsaw!

"GRAAAAAAAAAAR" Kaiba said as he swung his chainsaw around madly like a crazy person. "EEEEEEEEE!" the vampires screamed then they ran away.

"See, i TOLD you guys vampires are real" kaiba said smugly. Joey couldn't stop staring at his eyes. they were really beautiful and enticing like pools of perfectly clean crystally water that was full of tadpoles and stuff, or like blueberry milkshakes, the kind of milkshakes you would get at an old-timey restaraunt that had a jukebox and waitresses wearing rollerblades except hopefully not with segregated waterfountans like it actually was in the old-timey times (although idk if misyogny existed in japan which is where this story takes place).

"i want to drink ur eyeballs with a straw." joey whisperd sensualy.

"ewwwwww GROSS!" said kaiba.

"oh fuck i didn't mean to say that out loud!" said joey. Then everyone went home feeling ttly awkward, except for Tristin who was sad because he didnt get a chance to show off his awesome kung-fu moves, so really it was just joey and kaiba who went home feeling ttly awkward.

The next day at school all the students was all sitting in the school cafeteria reading the newspaper because classes had been canceled on that day, which happend a lot at that school for some reason but no one ever questioned it because it meant they didnt have to sit in a stuffy classroom and listen to a middle-aged person who dressed badly and smelled like cigarettes droning on about algebra or some shit.

"according to the newspaper, there has been an outbreak of GANGSTER activety in the city!" said bakura, holding his newspaper upsidedown.

"so? this city is full of gangsters" said Tristan, eating a banana which thankfuly did not have a spider on it

"yeah, but this is a new gang! the paper says to be on the lookout for gangsters with pointy teeth, because they are in a new gang that's even worse than the usual gangsters, because they poke holes in peopls necks!" said bakura. nobody told him that his newspaper was upsidedown or that there was a dead squirrel in his hair, because they didnt want to embarass him.

"that would explain what happened to me last night, thse vampires must have been VAMPIRE GANGSTERS" yugi thought but he didn't say it out loud because he didnt want to sound like a crazy dude, like in a movie where something weird happens and only one guy sees it and every1 else thinks he's crazy until the weird things KILLS EVERYONE. instead he said "Gee, this is the worst time for this to happen! My mom is supposed to come here to visit, but she might change her mind if she finds out we have GANGSTER EPIDEMIC!"

Everyone gasped.

"Yugi, you have a MOM?" Tristen said in shock and amazment

"I thought ur grandpa made you with cloning science or something!" said Tea, who was secretly weeping sadly on the inside because she wanted to tell her frends about her sacred destiny as a vampire slayer but she couldnt' because it was a secret and if Ishazu found out she had told of the secret she might attack her with a rocket launcher again which would not be good because it turned out that rockets left nuclear waste stains that were really really hard to get off out clothes and Tea couldn't afford drycleaning.

"Yeah, I have parents!" said Yugi. "but I don't see them very often bcuz my mom is a famous supermodel who travels the world doing photoshoots, and my dad is in jail for killing people."

"THAT'S SO SAD!" said Tea. "but not as sad as the sadness in my heart" she thought sadly. She was sad.

Joey did not say anything at all because he was distracted because he couldn't stop thinking about Kaiba's azure cobalt sapphire indigo aquamarine turquoise cerulean cyaneous chalybeous ecchymotic atmospheric opalescent blue orbs. "Oh no what if I'm GAY for him?!" Joey thought upsettedly.

"I AM HETEROSEXUAL!" Joey shouted loudly. everyone in the cafeteria looked up from their newspapers and bananas and looked at him. "Good" he thought in his head "now everyone knows I am not gay and therefore cannot be atracted to Kaiba even though he's really hot and has gorgeous eyes and a perfect ass that I would like to tap, BUT I'M NOT GAY AT ALL!"

He shoved a banana into his mouth and started sucking on it in a heterosexual manner. It was a really good banana and it was not phallic at all.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the cafeteria, Kaiba had heard joey's proclamation of heterosexuality because it was really loud and kind of hard not to hear, and now he was now conflicted in an inner conflict sort of way.

"I hate him so its good that he's a heterosexual and therefore cannot be attracted to me even though I have a perfect ass, but he is also kind of hot in a badboy gangster type way and now I have no chance with him because he is not a homosexual! but I hate him! but he's hot! Im so conflicted!" Kaiba said to himself. he decided to go for a walk to clear his head although i'm not sure exactly how that works but apparently some people do it and it does work for them so that's what kaiba did. while he was walking he saw a shiny thing blinking shinily from around a corner, and he went toward it because it might be a money and money was the only thing he liked more than dragons, except this thing wasn't money. It was a shiny golden bong.

"kaiba," it whispered creepily and whispily beckoning him to its shininess, "I am the Millennium Bong! come smoke me!"

"NO!" said Kaiba "I can't do drugs no more! I promised Mokuba-"

"SCREW MOKUBA!" said the bong "i know what you REALLY want, and what you really want is to GET HIGH!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" kaiba screamed an then he runned away screaming. the Millenium bong laffed evily bcuz it wuz evil.

(author note: I wrote this scene to bring awareness to a VERY IMPORTANT AND SERIUS ISSUE which is drug abuse. the last time i published a fanfiction story on this website some ppl comented asking if i was doing drugs. I was very upset and horerfied bcuz DRUGS ARE BAD! my cousin did drugs and now he is in jail. dont do drugs y'all!)

Meanwhile elsewhere, Tea was in an abandoned wearhouse waiting for Isshzu to arive for Lesson two of Slayer Trainiing. she was shivering because it was cold even though it was like the middle of january and Japan is the the eastern hemisphere of the planet so their seasons are backwards.

"I hope she didn't forget to show up," said Tea. Suddenly A NUNCHUCK WAS THROWN AT HER HEAD!

"PHWOAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Tea squeeled as the nunchuck lamped onto her head like a leech. she danced around trying to throw it off but its sharp nunchuck-teeth dug into her hair like flour. (by the way DO NOT POUR FLOUR INTO YOUR HAIR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ITS A BAD IDEA! I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE OK!) Tea shaked her head around like a dog that was shaking its fur because it was wet or maybe because it was actually headbanging to Metallica, and the nunchuck flinged off her head and went scuttling into the dark darkness between the giant boxes in the wearhouse.

"Lesson NUMBER TWO" said Ishaiuz emerging from the shadows because she had secretly been there all along in the shadows "You must master your fear! Only then will you be fully equpided to fight the FORCES OF EVUL!"

"THIS IS STUPID!" SAID TEA. "HOW WILL THROWING A NUNCHUCK INTO MY HAIR TRAIN ME TO FIGHT AMPIRES! YOU HAVNT EVEN SHOWED ME HOW TO USE A STEAK YET!:"

"Have patientse, young padawan," said Shitzu "before you can fight vampires you have to learn other stuff like wax on wax off and stuff like that ok!"

"THIS IS STUPID!" SAID tea again.

Meanwile elsewhere the sky had opened up and from the heavens poured down water which originaly came from the ocean and became clouds through the water cycle. Bakura was standing in the poreing rain letting the tearz sream down his face and mingle with the rain sadly and sexily in a way that made him look super vulnerable which enchanced his sensitive-yet-manly sexiness. he was sad becauze no one had informed him of the dead squirel in his hair and he now had rabies.

**ok so originally there were going to be some asterixes here to separate this part of the story from the next part, but fanfiction dot net dosn't allow that for some reason so instead i'm gonna put the lyrics to the batman theme.**

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When Yugi woked up on thursday he knew immidietly that something was very wrong, something so wrong it had disturbed the fabric of reality, but he didn't know what it was. he went to school and sat in the cafeteria where everyone was reading the newspaper and not eating bananas because the lunchlady found a spider in the bananas and had to throw them all out. Joey was there and he did not have a newspaper but he was grinning widely like the Joker except less creepy.

"You guys, you're not gonna believe this!" he said. "remember yesterday after I announced my heterosexuality I left school because everyone was looking at me weird like i was a crazy dude?"

"yeah," said yugi, trisitn and tea.

"WELL THEN I PROVED TO MYSELF THAT I AM HETEROSEXUAL! BECAUSE I MET THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS! SHE'S HAS LONG LEGS AND BIG EYELASHES AND PERFECT HAIR AND BOOBS AND SHE DRESSES LIKE A SUPERMODEL!" he took a picture out of his pocket. "HERE SHE IS"!

"wow she's really hot!" said tea

"she looks like if Marilyn Monroe had a kid with the guy from the Old Spice Commercials and then the kid was raised by David bowie!" said Tristan

"WHAT THE FUCK, JOEY! THAT'S MY MOM!" said yugi.

"oh" said Joey quitely. Then everything was ttly awkward.

nanananananananananananananananaBATMANnanananananananananananananananaBATMANnanananananananananananananananaBATMAN

tEA WAS walking nervously to the store to buy tampons because it was her period. she was nervous because lately evry time she stepped out of her house Isfszu was there waitng to spring a surprize pop quiz on her to test how good she was getting at vampire slaying which wouldn't be so bad except there was a 50% chance that the pop quiz would involve knives and arsenic instead of actual quizzing. suddenly, SOMEONE JUMPED OUT OF A TREE HOLLERING "COWABUNGAAAAA!" AND LAUNCHED THEMSELFS AT TEA

"GYAAAAAAAHRG!" Tea yelled, roundhouse kickign the person in the face like Chuck Nroris. "THERE ISIHSIU, I TOLD YOU I HAD BEEN PRACTICING MY ROUNDHOSE KICKING BUT YOU DIDNT BELIEVE ME! NOW CAN I PLEASE GO TO GET TAMPONS SO I DONT BLEED ALL OVER EVERYTHENG YOUR A WOMAN TOO SO YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS!"

but it was not Ishchisu. It was Bakura!

"I KNOW YOUR SECRET" said Bakura "YOU ARE THE SLAYERR!"

"yeah ok whats ur point" said tEa.

"I watched all 7 seasnns of buffy and I know that a slayer must have a comic relief sidekick like Xander so if she ever gets died by a superpowerdful vampire there will be someone to CPR her back to life because her vampire boyfrend won't be able to! let me be your sidekick Tea!"

"i thougt you had rabies why aren't you n the hospital." said Tea

"i got better" said Bakura.

"ok you can be my sidekick, but you have to stop wearing the godawful fugly sweater vests and nerdy shit like that and start dressing sexily like Marlon Brando before he got old and gross" said tea

"DEAL" said bakura, then he pirouetted away going "WOOP WOOP WOOP WOOP IM XANDER HARRIS MOTHERFUCKERS! FEAR ME, FOR I HAVE KNOWN THE POWER OF THE SLAYER!"

"oh god what have i done" said Tea.

tHAT night Kaiba paced around his CEO office angrily. he was angy because he WAS INNER CONFLICT ABOUT HIS FEELINGS FOR JOEY.

on the other side of the city, joey was also conflict, BECAUSE KAIBA WAS ToTLY HOT BUT SO WAS YUGI'S MOM! HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

"I'M NOT GAY, BUT i THINK KAIBA'S HOT, BUT I LOVE YUGI'S MOM AND I'M NOT GAY, BUT YUGI'S MOM IS MY BEST FRIEND'S MOM WHICH IS AWKWARD and KAIBA IS NOT YUGI'S MOM SO IT WOULDN'T BE AWKWARD IF I DATED HIM, BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I'M NOT GAY! i DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!" said Joey

"I'M PRBABLY GAY FOR A DUDE I HATE BUT HE IS nOT A HOMOSEXUAL BUT I WANT HIM BUT I HATE HIM AND ALSO MY FAVOURITE TV SHOW WAS CANCELED BY FOX I AM SO MUCH CONFLCTED AAAAAAAAARGGGHHHHH!" said kaiba on the other side of the city. but then he realized what he must do. "I now realise what I must do" he said because he had realized what he must do.

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it was morning and the sons rays shown brightly upon te earth, stretching out over the horizen because it was dawn and the sun was rising and shining even more brightly than it used to because humanity had ruined thye enviroment with pollution and ruined the ozone layer so global warming was happening and the suns ultraviolet rays were super bright now and could give people skin cancer which was bad.

DING DONG! went the doorbell on Yugi's grandpas house.

"YUGI GO ANSER THE DOOR!" said yugi's grandpa "I AM TOO OLD AND ARTHRITIC TO DO IT MYSELF. AND ALSO IM ON THE TOILET RIGHT NOW."

Yugi opened the door and gasped gaspingly. Kaiba was standing there! "MOON MAKEUP POWER!" Yugi said, and his Mellinimum Puzzle started glowing and he twirled around and sparkled like Sailor Moon except it was much manlier and the sparkles were red like blood because that is manly and then he was turned into the tall and sexy ancient Egyptian version of hisself.

"IT'S TIME TO DUEL MOTHERFUCKER!" said the phaoroh in his manly man-voice.

"fuck off dweeb, im here to see yugis Mom!" said kaiba

"what" said Atem

"yeah u herd that right." said kaiba

"ok but when i called u a motherfucker i didnt mean that literally" said atem

suddenly a choir began to chant ominosly in latin offscreen and a cloud of blakc evil-looking smoke appered and a figure emerged from within the cloud laffing in a evil and menicing sort of way. It was. . . . . YUGI'S MOM!

"hahahaha!" she said evily like the evil dude with the moustache in the cartoon about the RCMP dude who saves his girlfrend from tied to the train traks where she would be run over by the train if he didn't save her.

"SPEEK OF THE DEVIL!" said atem

"YUGI'S MOM!" kaiba said dramatically, his coat billowing in the wind badassly like he was a cool guy in a movie. "I got 99 problems and a love trangle ain't one... UNTIL NOW! cause I can't stand wheeler but on the other hand i kinda want to boink his brains out BUT HE DOES NOT WANT TO BOINK **MY** BRAINS OUT BECAUSE HE'D RATHER BOINK **YOUR** BRAINS OUT!"

"please stop saying boink" said Atem

"so it's kinda like this," said Kaiba and he went into his pants pocket an taked out a Walkman

"lol retro much? get wit da times old man!" said atem

"omg stfu! youre like a thousand years old u probly died from the black plauge or something!" said kaiba

"dude no, I died from syphilis" said Atem

"EWWWW!" said kaiba

"LOL!" said Yugi's Mom

"ANYWAY, like I was saying, joey wheeler does not want to boink me on account of he wants to boink YOU, so it's kinda like this" Kaiba pressed a button on his wakman an it started playin a snong.

"JOLEEN, JOLEEN, JOLEEN, JOLEEEEEEEEN, IM BEGGIN OF U PLZ DONT TAKE MY MAN. JOLEEN, JOLEEN, JOLEEN, JOLEEEEEEEEEEEEEN, PLZ DONT TAKE HIM JUST BCUZ U CAN. UR SMILE IS LIKE A BRETH OF SPRING UR VOICE IS SOFT LIKE SUMMER RAN AND I CANOT COMPETE WITH U JOLEEN" Dolly Parton's country-and/or-western voice sang sexily from the walkman.

"see, you're Jolene in this situation" kaiba explained

"yeah that sounds right" said yugi'sMom

Then Kaiba said "I have a suitcase full of money here and I will give it to you if you show me how i can be like you so that dumbass will want me." then he fell to his knees and said "TEACH ME YOUR WAYS, MILF GODDESS!"

"lol ok" said Yugi's Mom.

"MOM NO!" said Yugi but it was too late and they had already left to go to the gym to have a training montage like in the Rocky movies. Yugi stood in the doorway, gaping like a mime because he was upset and angry and other things too but mostly upset and agrnry. "i can't beliEve this!" said Yugi. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MY MOM IS GIVING MY ARCH-NEMESIS ADVICE TO SEDUCE MY BEST FRIEND, AND I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M SHARING A BODY WITH A GUY WHO FORGOT TO TELL ME HE HAS SYPHILIS! DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE SYPHILIS NOW TOO? i DON'T WANT TO HAVE SYPHILIS!"

"lol pSYCH" said Atem.

Meanwhile elsewhere Tristan was prcaticing his kung-fu moves, unaware that he was being watched. for hidden behind the trees in the park where he was located, there were hidden two of the most horrible terrible foul nasty awful putrid EVIL beings on earth: CHAD KROEGER OF NICKELBACK AND ADAM LEVINE OF MAROON 5!

"the force is strong with this one" chad kroeger said evilly as he tworled his moustash. "if we are to cement our alliance with the vampires, we must take him out!"

"yessssss" said adam Levine, who did not have a moustach to tworl so instead he scratched his butt... _evilly_. then he and chad roeger laffed evily bcuz they were evil.

Meanwhile tea and bakura and ishzu were in a graveyard sitting on one of those checkery picnic blankets and waiting for the vampires to appear.

"TEA" said Hishuzu and tea squawrked seagullishly and assumed a defensive pose bcuz she expected to have a knife or a fork or a missile thrown at her. but then Iscsckzu didn't throw anything at all and instead said "Tea, in the past few weeks you have trained long and hard to learn the ways of the Slayers! now it is time to test ur skillz in real combat! It is time for you to FIGHT THE VAMPIRES!11!1!1" She handed Tea a steak.

"yay!" said Tea

"hey, don't I get a steak toO?" said Bakura

"no, you are just a sidekick" said Ihssisu. "you get THIS" she gave Bakura a gun.

"What the heck am I supposed to do with this thing?!" said Bakura

"Shut up, Wesley!" said Tea

"I'm not Wesley I'm Xander" said Bakura

"Shut up, Xander!" said Tea

THEN THE VAMPIRES APPEERED AND WERE ATTACKIN! Tea threw her steak and the steak whoooooshed around the graveyard like a missile and killed eleven vampires and pinned them to a tree like in a robin hood movie i once saw. bakura whacked two more vampires over the head with his gun. soon there was only one vampire left but he was relly big and strong and mussly.

"GrrrrrrrrrrrrrRG" he groled.

"IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU, BIOTCH!" said Tea. she aimed a kung-fu kick at the vampire's head and the kick catapulted him up into the air where he flipped around and around and upward into space where he exploded and chunks of him rained down all ovr and drenched everyone in the vicinity with blood and guts and stuff.

"HOLY SHIT" said Bakura as a glob of vampire instestine landed in his eye.

Ishdfgvszs3yrgwzu wiped away a single tear of badassery which drooped down her face. "i am so proud of u tea" she said.

Then they heard a screaming! "Gasp!" Tea gasped. "THAT SOUNDED LIKE TRISTEN! DON'T WORRY TRISTEN, I AM COMING 2 SAVE YOU!" she galomphed off into the direction of the screaming and found... TRISTEN STANDING ON TOP OF A PILE OF UNCONSCIOUS PEOPLE WHO WERE ALL MUSICIANS FROM SHITTY BANDS LIKE NICKELBACK AND MAROON 5 AND THE JONAS BROTHERS!

"let that be a lessen to all who dare to challenge the kung-fu master!" tritsan said trumpantly but then he feinted becuz he was really tired from beating up all those dudes.

"TSRISTAN NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Tea screamed. "BAKURA, GO CALL AN ANBULANCE QUICK!"

"sfhbsikghlsadhshvbksjnafouefyuegfskbjcslfhnsovaudsbflfdjbslkafbjavduajkxhcvxk,bnlkhjfasjsdfaufgksgjlakdnoaiwegq3ytvwigbwkfjb akdbj kfsvdn fvjshhvfakdjbmv bbkzsbfvsdkfsgjbslfknalkxkmvbsdkfjalsfafnb zhjxvAGyusdhaiudafhlagsvhalsgvjbwiyqaiweduhqeolgnwvjbdsf" said Bakura.

"GODDAMNIT BAKURA, YOU KNOW I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU WHEN YOU SPEAK COCKNEY!" said Tea.

Meanwhile elsehwere Kaiba finished his training montage and was now ready to woo his hated rival. "I'm glad that's over because those raw eggs were super gross. I'm never having a training montage again unless I like have to be in a Svlester Stalone movie or something." he said.

"Good luck kiddo!" said Yugi's Mom while waving her perfectionately manicurified pointy three-inch silver-mocha-lime-and-chartreuse polkadot fingernails at him. "Don't forget to drink 2 glasses of raw eggs every day if u want to keep on being badass like me!"

Kaiba made a face at her like she was a booger hanging from a nose.

SUDDNLY, JOEY APPAERED. he was wearing a fancy suit and holding flowers and looking all nervousy maybe because he realized that flowers are plant reproductive organs so he was actually holding a bouqet of GENITALS. Kaiba saw him looking all classy and james bond-ish like sean connery from before sean connery got old and bald and started saying misogynistalic things on tv, and Kaiab's heart started beating really quick and his stomach filled up with butterflies and caterpillars and bees and hummingbirds and miniature ponys and then his lungs dropped into his butt although it was all metaphorically because if it was literal he would die which would suck for him. his tongue was also all tied up into knots and that was also metaphorically because i don't think tonhgues can actually physically do that. joey stopped wlaking when he saw kaiba.

"uh, hi. You're a rich jerk." said joey.

"uh, you suck. you're poor and you're a bad duelest" said kaiba

"uh, i hate you because you're a douchebag and stuff" said joey

"yeah i hate you too. because you suck" said kaiba

they were both silent then and the only things that could be heard was the beating of theyr hearts, and also the traffic in the background because they were outdoors and near a very busy street.

"so, uh, those flowers are for yugi's mom, aren't they. she's such a couger and stuff, i can see why you like her. because she's a cougar and a MILF." said kaiba trying to avoid looking at joey so he wouldn't get a boner

"yeah, totally. she is the hottest, i mean if she was a mountain she'd be Mount Cougarest. yugi's mom has got it going on, and i know it might be wrong but i'm in love with yugi's mom" said joey who was holding the flowers in front of his pants to hide that he already had a boner

"yeah, right" said kaiba

They stared at each other in silence like two ninjas staring at the last piece of pie, both wanting it, but neither wanting to be the first to make a move just in case the pie turned out to have been poisoned by an unseen enemy. a random bystander walked by and shook her head at them in disgust.

"ugh will you two get a fucking room already, your sexual tension is so thick its polluting the atmosphere! PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON THE OZONE LAYER IS BEING DEPELETED AND ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE IS DESTRYOING THE PLANET! BECAUSE OF ASSHOLES LIKE YOU GUYS, WE WILL ALL SOMEDAY LIVE IN A DYSTOPIAN WORLD LIKE THE ONES IN SHITTY YOUNG ADULT SCI-FI NOVELS THAT THE MEDIA CLAIMS ARE FOLLOWING THE TREND STARTED BY THE HUNGER GAMES WHEN IN ACTUALITY THOSE BOOKS ARE ACTUALLY RIPPING OFF THE WORKS OF GEORGE ORWELL AND PHILIP K. DICK AND WATERING DOWN THEIR MESSAGES TO MARKET THEM TO AN AUDIENCE OF HORMONE-DRIVEN TEENAGE MORONS, THUS RUINING THE ENTIRE SPECULATIVE FICTION GENRE!" she said.

The random bystander spat on the ground at their feet and walked away in disgust.

"So... want to fuck?" said Joey.

"YES!" said Kaiba.

Joey tossed his flowers into a nearby garbage can and dragged Kaiba toward a car so they could have sweaty teenage buttsex in the back seat.

"HEY, WHAT THE FUCK!" said the homeless person who lived in the garbage can and did not appreciate having flowers thrown on his head because he was allergic to flowers.

mEanwhile at yugi's grandpa's cardgame store, yugi felt a ripple pass through the fabric of reality. he sighed in relief. the damage done to the space-time continuum had been mended and balance had been restored to the universe and also his best friend was not going to hit on his mom anymore which was really awkward so he was glad it was over.

Meanwhile at the hospital Tea was standing over Tristan who was unconscious and hooked up to one of those thingies they have in hospitals that really sick or injured people get hooked up to. "THE VAMPIRES HAVE GONE TOO FAR!" she said with teers of rage and retribution falling from her tear ducts like drops of rain falling from the sky after being recycled from ocean into clouds by the water cycle. "NO ONE HURTS MY FRIENDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" she made a fist and punched the air with her fist, and the air wimpered wimpishly because it had never before been punched by someone so badass except for that one time when Judd Nelson did it because Molly Ringwald gave him an earring even thogh if u ask me she should have give it to Anthony Michael Hall instead. it really bothers me that the nerdy guy in that movie was the only one who didnt get a love intrest, im pretty sure thats like racist or something!

"TONIGHT I AM GOING TO TAKE CARE OF THIS CITY'S VAMPIRE PROBLEM ONCE AND FOR ALL!" said Tea, punching the air again.

"STOP IT! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!" said the air but no one heard it because it was air and air can't actually talk.

"take this, you will need it on your quest" said Ishasdfghjklzu, giving tea a solid gold wooden steak in the shape of a baseball bat.

Bakura cocked his gun. "let's DO THIS SHIT." he said in a tough guy voice like bruce wilis.

TO BE CONTINEOD:::::!


	2. Chapter 2

So tea beat up all the vampires and saved the day and stuff, but sadly tritsen died heroicly saving tea's life in a heroic sarcrifice. everyone cried at trrsten's funeral except bakura hwo was not at the funeral because he had to go back to the hospital becues on account of he had got rabies again and needed to go to the hospital to have his rabies cured so he wouldn't infect everyone else with arbies, and kaiba didnt cry eiether because he was an ashole.

Kaiaba and joey had sex three more times in the back seat of joes'y car and then they broke up but hten they got back together again, and evnetualy they got married. then tea married bakura after he was cured of his rabies and got out of the hospital. they got married at the same weding as kaibda and joey, because it was cheaper that way and that way kaiba would pay for everyhting because he was the richest. at the double-wedding ihsuizu met yugi's mom and they fell in love and started dating, and yugi's mom decieded to retire from supermodeling and becaueme a movie star with ishuzu producing all her movies, so yugi ihnehrted his moms supermodel empire. he moved to holywood and met two hot supermodels who were his moms proteges and started dating them both so it was an ot3 basically, except it was actually a SECrET OT4 that was only PRETENDING to be an ot3, because Atem was still living in Yugi's brain and sharing his body and his girlfrieneds and all his other stuff too.

Everyone lived hapily ever after except for Tristin who was dead.

The End.


End file.
